Gone Swimming

My dad went out to sea for the first time that I could remember when I was in the third grade. We lived in this apartment building in a small town in middle America, much like life is now. In the center of the complex was a pool. I loved this more than anything. I've always loved the water. I know I'm an earth sign, so I find this a weird thng, but oh well. It is what it is.


It was spring break. Of course it was cold, but I didn't care. The one thing I knew I wanted to do that week was dive into the pool and let it wash away all the crap that was going on in my life. It wasn't a gentle up bringing, that much I can tell you. Still, none of that mattered. I wanted to escape into the water and stay there as long as possible.

So I got up that morning, put on my swin suit. My heart beat so fast because I was so excited about it all. I could already feel the water rushing past me. I raced out the door and down the apartment stairs then made a mad dash to the pool.

Locked.

What?

Yes.

Locked.

Oh but I was smart and grabbed the key. See I told you I wanted to go. I even thought about it.

There I was, key in hand and all I could think was yes...the water is going to be so good. With great anticipation, I put the key in the lock. It was hard too because it didn't want to go in. I had it upside down...oops. I put the key in right and turned the lock.

Click.

Turn.

Squeak.

The door opened. I dropped my towel, took off my shoes and dove in. The cold sensation that surrounded my body felt like a milliion tiny needles. The water was freezing. I didn't care though. I stayed under as long as possible.


It was quiet, peaceful and perfect. See because under the water, I couldn't hear anyone yelling at me. I wasn't getting my head bashed in and I wasn't being told what a stupid girl I was. Under the water, I was a princess who lived in a land far away. That was the place I belonged. So I held my breath as long as possible. I held it until it hurt then held it some more.

Finally, I rose to the surface. Who did I see standing over me with a disgruntled look in her face? My mom.

"What are you doing, that water's freezing. Get the hell out of there and get your ass home."

"It isn't cold. It's perfect," I said.

I shoved my way to the center of the pool when she reached out to grab me by the head. There was no way I was going in the apartment with her in the mood she was in. Though I may not drown in the pool, there was a sure bet I was going to get a beating for being in it. I wanted to make it last as long as possible.

If there was one thing I remembered my dad telling me before he left it was this; "if you're going to get in trouble while I'm gone, just make sure it's worth it."

At that moment, I was sure no matter what I did, I was going to be in trouble, so I was going to make sure it was dam good and worth whatever beating I was going to get. Little did I know she had a new secret weapon.

Before she returned to the apartment, mom left me with these parting words. "You have to come home eventually and I'll be waiting."

Well wait then, I thought.

She was right. I had to get out and go home sooner or later. I decided to make it later, give her a chance to cool off. That didn't happen.

My stomach growled, I was so hungry. It was about lunch time and I had skipped breakfast.

She should be cooled off by now. Right? I was so wrong it wasn't funny. She had taken that time to put together the thing she was going to use to beat the crap out of me. Three wire hangers were wrapped together in formed into a loop.

You can imagine the fear that went throug my mind when she lifted that one in the air. Each strike with the new weapon felt like it struck a bone. My back felt wet again. I thought that maybe it was water dripping from my hair. I was wrong, it was blood. My shirt was now dripping with it. She had struck me long and hard. After a few blows, I passed out. I suspected she continued the beating for a while after that because when I came to, I was in the hospital. My arms were wrapped in bandages as well as my legs. I was laying on my stomach and I had an iv in my arm.

Alone. Scared. Hurt. I started crying. I didn't know what was going on. The last thing I remembered was being in trouble. I must have been whaling loud, because the nurse came in and began to talk to me in the softest kindest voice I had ever heard. I wasn't used to anyone talking to me in such a kind sweet voice.

"Shh, it's ok," she said.

"I want my daddy," I cried.

Another woman came into the room followed by a man. I was so confused and scared.

The man asked me, "Do you remember what happened?"

"I went swimming," I said.

"Anything else?" he asked.

I laid there for a minute and thought about it. I remembered every lash she gave me. The searing pain that filled my body and the sound of my flesh being ripped open from her new weapon. I remembered the hateful words she said to me. Tears streamed down my face. I didn't want to remember it anymore.

"I went swimming. No one said I couldn't," I said.

"Do you know who did this to you?"

I did. I knew exactly who did it. What would she do to me if I told them? Where would I hide if she came back? How long would it be before she got a hold of me again? So many questions I shouldn't have had to ask. So much fear that shattered me more than any of the beatings she ever gave me. That included this one.

I thought about my dad. "I will always stand by your mother."

He was out to sea. He couldn't help. Wouldn't help anyways.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"I don't know anything."

I wanted to be back in the pool again. I wanted to feel the water rush around my body. I wanted to block everything out that had happened.

"I'm sure."

The nurse sent them out of the room. There were muffled voices outside my room. I knew one of them. It was her.

"What did she say?"

"She doesn't know."

"Can I see her?"

In she came. Her face looked sad but her eyes told a different story. The were cold...cold as the snow on the ground in a winter day. She looked down at me.

"I bet you come in next time," she whispered.

I looked at her. I knew I was angry. Not even an apology.

"Your life is in my hands," I said.

"What did you say to me?"

"You think I don't know that was a cop in here. I'm 9 not stupid. Say you're sorry. Tell me you're sorry you put me here."

The look on her face was one of shock. She took a step back. "I-I'm sorry."

She looked down at the ground and twirled her hair the way she did when dad yelled at her. She stood there, frozen in silence. I had won.

"Why didn't you ask to go swimmig?" she asked.

"You were asleep. I didn't want to wake you up."

"Oh," she said. Her voice had a nervous tone to it.

Still twirling her hair. She looked into my eyes. For the first time I could remember, she had a soft look on her face. Tears streamed down her face. She looked older, worn out and tired.

"I really am sorry," she said in just a whisper.

"Me to," I said.

She left the room that day. I expected her to return but she didn't. She never came back. I never knew if she was afraid of me or if she was afraid of herself. I do know my dad came home. He picked me up and hugged me when he reached the hospital. I cried and told him the whole story.

"I didn't know. God I didn't know," he cried.

He took me home that day. When he retruned to his ship, I was sent to live with my grandma. That was fine by me, she loved me more than anyone else ever had.

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Restless Days

There are sleepless nights
and restless days.
Many of which
have your face
shadowing my mind.
Your words
filling my heart.

The shutters of my soul
rest in the very knowledge
that you loved me once
and love me still.
Eyes open
I lay here
wondering
waiting
hoping
that time
will move swift.
Not because of you,
but because of me.
I don't want to disappoint.
oh how I hope
above all
not to let you down.
Let me down.
For those who
believe
go all the way.
So I lay here
in the shadows
of my sleepless nights
and restless days.
I lay here
and wait
while the hands of time
tick away.
Sleep.

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The Uderlying Themes

I AM WOLF

The underlying theme in this one is the duality of man. We all have good and evil inside us. It is often brought out through our actions. It is in those actions we should be difined by.

Ralph, my protagonist, is an already disturbed person when he comes across Tibolt's clan. He is a schizophrenic poacher who has an invisiable girlfriend. She is the reflection of what is going on in his psyche. With each change he goes through and every step he takes towards the darker side of himself, she changes. Those changes are often not so obvious in real society. I wanted him to show what evil is and can be.

The evil of this world is not always black and white. It's the little white lies we tell ourselves about our lives in order to make it bareable. For Ralph, his little white lies was simple. He was normal, it's everyone else who was crazy.

On the same token, I wanted my heros to be flawed. For this reason, Jonah is impetuious and angry. He is a teen in a new town. Even though he is from there, he doesn't remember it. I wanted to show that a hero doesn't have to be prefect. He just has to make better choices. He has to fight the darkness that is raging within his soul in order to kill that which he created.

THE KISS

This one is all about betrayal. There are so many levels of betrayal that affect us on a daily basis. Some of them we don't know about until it's too late. While others, well they are so obvious it's hard to miss them. Betrayal is something that should kill us, and yet we wake up the next day still feeling the scar. I think in a way it does. The cracks in the soul are never really repaired and the doubt that's created through the seeds are often more dramatic than the termoil that is going on around you.

In this book, my protagonist is a new comer named Cleo. She is a part of the moon clan known as the Shakya. The females of the clan have this uncanny ability to attract anyone they choose. It is from those seeds the vine of doubt sprouts from. I really wanted to explore the different levels of this single word through my characters. It is something I think we can all relate to.

We've all had friends who have betrayed us. We have all wondered if we are still sexy to our spouse. We have even told confidences we were not supposed to share. We have kept secrets from those we trust the most. Betrayal, it should kill us. I know I said that, but it really is true.

I wanted my hero in this to question his love for the girl in his life. Not because he really questioned it, but because an outside influence forced him to. Real love is never perfect. It is flawed because we are flawed. It holds onto the guilt we feel when we hurt those we love.

RENEWAL

The last book is about the renewal of faith. Faith in those around us and in ourselves. Faith in a power greater than ourselves. The whole of it all is simple. We often experience things without knowing why. Some of us learn and move on. While others fight an internal battle to free ourselves from that which has us.

My protagonist is the single entity behind all of the occurances. His name is Asmodeus. He is the demon king and the epitome of all evil. Even his love is twisted and tainted. That really is all I can say about this one. I have to write it still.

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A little flash fiction from THE KISS, book 2 of I AM WOLF

Twisting. Turning. Pulling. Blackness surrounded the clan members. A Crystal tree resting on the top of a mountain appeared in the distance. A million tiny bubbles of forgotten realms, each with a different scene floated by. They came to a bubble and were carried through a barrier into a whole new world. It was Cara’s wonderland. Her home in the night resembled a battlefield as though hell had opened up a small portal into her own mind.




I dedicated this to Piton Nv, the Hippie from FATE RADIO. The music he played while I wrote this inspired my muse in many ways. I wrote the rest of this chapter in a matter of minutes as oppose to hours. Thank you Kelly for your rockin morning show!!

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An Excerpt from THE KISS book 2 of I AM WOLF

Cleo’s Dream of New Years Day

The rolling hills and valleys captured the light in such a way it felt like heaven. Or at least what Heaven should look like. The mixture of yellows and greens and golds with bits of purple and pink tossed in made the valley look like that of a strange fairytale. The crops in the fields swayed in the wind. It set its own natural rhythm in the way all of nature did.

The laughter of children could be heard for miles around. The parade started the New Year off in the same hopeful tone it always did. Cherry Blossom petals floated the around joyous occasion as if they fell from the sky. The sound of fire crackers and music played in the background, alerted all to the presence of the Golden Dragon. Her long beautiful body swayed back and forth through the street, offering the gods her dance of good will and hope for the new year.

When the parade ended, the show started at the makeshift shadow theatre that was set up every year as a tradition for those who were far from home. A bright light shined in the background of the clouded screen. A scenery was painted along the edges for the delicate shadow puppets. The crowds took their seats while intricate music of flutes and pans played. The music stopped, letting everyone know it was time for the story to be told. A woman in dressed in an ancient robe with her hair pulled up in a soft bun began to play her pan. A small paper turtle puppet floated across the sky of the scenery, letting the people know it was a story from the time the turtle city could be seen floating across the sky. This year, the story was called The Tribes of the Moon.



As the music grew darker, the younger children could be seen covering their eyes in anticipation of what was going to happen next. The background light transformed from a bright white color to red then back to white. Small puppets of all the gods danced around the screen.

It is said, a demon named Asmodeus , the demon king, wanted to roam free on the world below so he took the body of a hunter whose heart was as black as his own. Asmodeus walked about the world in the body of the hunter and observed man in all his infinite appeal and love for violence.

Along his travels, he fell in love with a young girl in a village who was engaged to another. Asmodeus killed the man on their wedding night and sought her hand in marriage. Rather than live her life with a man she didn’t love, the girl threw herself off a cliff. Over come with grief and angered by the realization she never loved him, he decided to use his powers to enslave man.

The magical feel of the music softened allowing the movement of the puppet of Asmodeus lead the audience. A puff of smoke surrounded the Asmodeus puppet and like magic the puppet was now in the hunter‘s body. Gasps echoed through the audience at the small special effects. One little boy stood up and yelled, “Oh no” to the small stage.

With a crash on the drums, the music grew louder and more sinister again. The audience jumped when fire crackers sounded in the back ground while a wave of small army puppets marches across the stage. Asmodeus’s desire to control and enslave the people of the world grew with every conquest. His small army had grown and was threatening to take control of the emperor’s throne.

In a small pagoda on the right of the stage, the emperor kneeled in prayer to the Jade Emperor, pleading for help. The small puppets of the gods in the clouds once again floated across the stage when the music lightened. A single dancing puppet of the Monkey flipped across the clouds and knocked the Jade Emperor in the head. The whole crowd laughed and clapped. The music continued on as the Monkey King brought his hand to his ear. The prayer was intercepted by the Monkey King, the greatest prankster in all of Heaven. He jumped up and down in delight, at the thought of a small prank he could pull on man kind.

The light faded again to give the illusion of peering down at the world from above. The Monkey King called upon the single tribe of the Shakya clan and changed them into the Tribe of the Moon. The whole screen went black to show the full moon. Another puff of smoke combined with mystical music made the children once again echo joyful sounds of awe and wander.

At night when the moon was full, the people of the tribe who had reached the age of maturity changed into lions and lionesses. The Shakya clan fought a large battle against Asmodeus and his assassins and slave hunters. The whole country rejoiced when the demon known as the Asmodeus was driven away.

The Buddha took notice of the prank and the great sacrifice of the Shakya clan and appointed them as the warriors of justice. That should be the end of the story, but Asmodeus crossed the large body of water and landed on a new continent. Where the Native American’s of the land had just finished fighting the demon and the first of Tibolt’s clan was created.

When Asmodeus landed on the new land, The Great Spirit directed them drive out the evil that had invaded mother nature once again. The Buddha told the Shakya clan about the war that raged between Tibolt’s clan and the Asmodeus. Feeling like it’s their responsibility to defeat the Asmodeus, the Shakya clan traveled to the western world for the first time where they meet one of the other Tribes of the Moon, the wolf tribe known as Tibolt’s clan.

Together, the Shakya clan and Tibolt’s clan raged a war against the demon and his armies. In the end, the two clans were only able to trap Asmodeus into a cage that was sent to them by Buddha. The two clans celebrated on the night of victory. The two clans became one under the moon in the embracing ceremony.

With the beat of the Native American drums and the music of the pan, the two tribes stood side by side in honor and remembrance of all the great warriors that had fallen because of the demon. The shadow puppets graceful movements echoed the soft music as the two clans became one under the moon.

Once again, the lights faded out. When they appeared again, the scenery had changed to a small meadow where the puppet of a young girl by the name of Tai chased after the warrior Grey Ghost. The music grew sad as the warrior Tiokisan rejected her advances because he was in love with his wife. The two clans lived in harmony until the night of the next full moon. When Grey Ghost’s wife was attacked and killed by Tai in her lioness form, the same little boy stood in the audience and yelled at the lioness for her treachery. The enraged warrior set out to kill the lioness for what she had done to his wife.

The small puppet of the Jade emperor sitting on the clouds, yawned when he heard the cries of blood from the world beneath him and couldn’t be bothered. The whole audience cheered when the Monkey King, who had just learned about compassion, felt for the people and the suffering. He sent a scroll to the Jade Emperor with a plea for justice. The defenders of justice were the ones at fault. In his wisdom, he shot down the lioness and declared from that day forward, only those who were truly pure of heart were allowed to be considered for the gift of change into the mountain lion and lioness.

The stain of shame brought about by the Shakya clan was not unpunished. The whole clan was not allowed to return to China until the stain was washed away. The legend for tales of an impending war that will be raged in the future. The war will cleanse the stain from the Shakya clan, allowing all to return to their home land. On that day, the birds will fill the heaven’s and create a bridge across the ocean so they may walk home. The city on the back of the Turtle’s back will be seen again by all who believe and peace will reign among the Tribes of the Moon.

The audience cheered at the magical performance of puppeteers and the musicians who brought the myth to life. The Tribes of the Moon was one of Cleo’s favorite stories. Even though most of her heart didn’t know how much of the story was true, she had a strong connection to it because she was a part of the Shakya clan. Throughout time and history, her whole life had been reduced to a secret. It was taboo to even talk about the Shakya clan’s past. Still, all of it made her wonder if Tibolt’s clan was real, or if it was all some part of a story tellers dream.

Cleo woke up in her human form, naked and alone. She felt hope though because of her small visit to the story. She was certain she was being given a sign from the gods.

‘I must track down Tibolt’s clan. The wolf pack must still be out there.’

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