Saturday, January 29, 2011


A billion large daggers made of water pounded on the roof of the cab I was in. While each contraction felt like I was being split in two, my heart burned from the million paper cuts your father left behind. The cabbie weaved through traffic all the time honking his horn and yelling at people to get out of the way. He looked back at me and I glared at him. I was sure he wanted to ask me if I was going to have you right his cab...the one HE would have to clean.

A panic erupted from my.toes and raced all the way up my spine. It stopped when it slammed into my mind.  How was I going to answer the most basic of questions about your existence? All sounds left me in a vacuum of nothing. Even in the Decemberist of days I had never heard such silence. Oh such sweet peace filled me in the moment. Gone was the pain in my body and my heart. I was sure I had began to pass. I was on my way to reunite with your father.

Bliss filled the cracks left in the void of my heart and I could do nothing but allow it to consume me. Images of a white Thorn-bush filled my mind. A light blue fire glowed from within it and voice so powerful it could stop the world from turning, sounded from all around.

"Be still child," the voice said.

A feeling clutched my being. I was not afraid of what I felt. I was overcome with a sense of peace and love. I realized I was listening to a voice from another world. Heaven. Love. Light. Oh be still my beating heart and my restless ways for I was no longer in the world I was born to. Let each passing breath that flowed from my body force me to stay awake just a minute longer. Let me linger here so I no longer feel the pain in my body, mind and soul.

It was not to be though. It is in the smallest of moments when we are made to understand life.We are not alone.  None of us are. How simple could the truth be? How easy it is to see it when it's all around us? How did I miss it for so long?

So many questions flooded my mind. The cab came to a halt. It crashed me back into the reality of this world. Once again pain thrashed my body letting me know it was time for you to come. The cabbie rushed into the hospital and returned with a nurse. I still didn't know what I was going to say about you.

Then a miracle happened. I saw him. He was here, my sweet tender Samuel. He looked at me with the same deep tender loving eyes I remembered. Glittering pale stone skin and the warmest skin I had ever known. I could hear his heart beat and he looked down on me with nothing but love.

"Is this her Mr. Glass?" the nurse asked.

"It is. How is she?" Samuel asked.

"We'll let you know in a minute. I've already paged the doctor," she said. "Follow me."

He took my hand. His gentle touch made me want to scream louder than anything in my life. I wanted to know why he left without a word. Why did he think it was ok to do that to me? Why didn't he just kill me and leave me for dead, because that's how I felt.

Then I heard it. Your heart beat. It was strong and fast. It silenced the room and it made me remember the voice I heard in the cab. It was right. Everything was going to be ok. I was not alone.

A needle was placed in my arm. A few minutes later I was covered by a bright blinding light from above. A soft warm glow of familiar gentleness swept through me. I had left my body to see you come into the world. I looked down from above. I laughed with an alien kind of joy when I heard you cry. You had the most beautiful skin I had ever seen, like a million tiny wet pearls glittering in the noonday sun. Your hair was already full of long blond curls and eyes as green as the grass of the earth. You held the wisdom of all the ages in your eyes and quieted as fast as you cried.

I felt myself being pulled back into my body. My journey with you had just begun. There are such things in life that are beyond precious. I will forever carry the sound of your heart with me. It will comfort me on my darkest days and make me remember the sweet tender peace I felt in the cab when the silence full upon my ears.

There are so many things to tell you, my sweet angel baby. My Irulan, named from a woman of courage and whose life was filled with both joy and despair. I heeded the warning from the day the ethereal rode the rays of sunlight and became a solid. I gave you a name like no other. I borrowed it from a story I loved.
In the days I have left. I will write down all that has happened since you were born. I will tell you how your father denied his own place in the other world just to be with us. I'll tell you everything. For now, my sweet beautiful Irulan let sweet dreams take you and cover you in a gentle light. Know you are loved like no other child on this planet.


Tami Snow said...

Amazing, Joann. I could connect with every ripple of pain. More. Please

C. D. Bennett said...

Damn. Good. Stuff.

C. D. Bennett said...

seriously, pretty damn awesome.

Joann Hamann-Buchanan said...

omg Thank you guys soooo much!! huge hugs!!

James M. Weil said...


Your prose is beyond some of the most beautiful poetry I have ever read. Your writing astounds me with its beauty and passion, and I was riveted by this gripping story that had me thinking about the way I felt when my firstborn was brought into this world.



Joann Hamann-Buchanan said...

Thank you soooo much! huge hugs

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